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Bad Day——倒霉的一天
There was a guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stayed like that for half an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up next to him, took the drink from the guy, and drank it all down.
The poor man started crying. The truck driver said, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I was late getting to my office. My boss was outrageous, and fired me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and when I left it, I remembered I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drove away. When I got home, I found my wife in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
一个男人坐在酒吧里，看着自己的酒发呆。他这个样子已经有半个小时了。这时，一个好惹事的卡车司机走到他旁边，从他手里一把抢过酒杯，把酒喝了个精光。
可怜的男人大哭起来。卡车司机说，“拜托，哥们，我只是在和你开个玩笑。这样吧，我再给你买一杯，我实在受不了看着一个大男人哭。”
“不，不是那样的。今天是我这辈子最倒霉的日子。首先，我上班迟到了，我的老板是个蛮横的家伙，他把我炒了。当我离开办公楼去取车时，发现我的车被偷了,警察却说他们对此无能为力。于是我只好打车回家，下了车，我发现钱包和信用卡都落在了车上，但那个出租车司机已经把车开走了。我回到家，发现我老婆和园丁正在床上鬼混。我离开家，来到这个酒吧。而现在，正当我考虑要结束我的生命，你出现了，还喝了我的毒酒。”
A Soldier's Brilliant Idea
Mr. Robinson had to travel somewhere on business, and as he was in a hurry, he decided to go by air. He liked sitting beside a window when he was flying, so when he got on to the plane, he looked for a window seat. He found all of them had already had been taken except for one. There was a soldier sitting in the seat beside this one, and Mr. Robinson was surprised that he had not taken the one by the window; but, anyhow, he at once went towards it.
When he reached it, however, he saw that there was a notice on it. It was written in ink and said, "This seat is preserved for proper load balance, thank you." Mr Robinson had never seen such an unusual notice in a plane before, but he thought that the plane must be carrying something particularly heavy in it, so he walked on and found another empty seat, not beside a window, to sit in.
Two or three people tried to sit in the window seat beside the soldier, but they too read the notice and went on, when the plane was nearly full, a very beautiful girl hurried into the plane. The soldier, who was watching the passengers coming in, quickly took the notice off the seat beside himself and in this way succeededin having the company of the girl during the whole trip.
英语幽默：士兵坐飞机有美女陪伴的高招
由于生意方面的事，罗宾逊先生得出趟门。因为有点紧急，他决定坐飞机。乘机旅行时，他喜欢靠窗坐，故而一登机，他就寻找一个靠窗的座位。他发现只有一个靠窗的座位还空着。在那空座位边坐着一名士兵。令罗宾逊先生纳闷的是，这位士兵没有坐靠窗的位置。罗宾逊先生不管那些，他马上径直朝那个空座位走去。
然而，等到了那儿，他看见座位上有则启事，是用钢笔写的：“为保持装载平衡，特预设该位置，谢谢合作。”罗宾逊先生还从来没有在飞机上见过如此不同寻常的启事。不过，他想飞e799bee5baa6e78988e69d83331机上一定装了什么特别重的物品，于是他找了个不靠窗的位置。
又有两三个乘客试图坐在那个士兵旁的靠窗座位上，他们看到那则启事就走开了。当快满座时，一位非常美丽的姑娘匆匆走进机舱。一直在注意进舱旅客的那个士兵赶紧拿掉他旁边空座位上的启事。士兵用这种办法，成功地找到了一位姑娘一路作伴。
I'm Trying to Stop It
"Boy, why have you got cotton-wool in your ear? Is it infected?"
"No, sir, but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other , so I am trying to stop it."
“孩子，你为什么用棉花塞住耳朵？它感染了吗？”
“没有，老师。可是你昨天说你告诉我的知识都是一个耳朵里进，一个耳朵里出，所以我要把它堵在里面。”
Pulling Tooth
“I'm sorry ，Madam ，but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth .”
“Twenty dollars! Why ，I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!”
“Yes ，but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office .”
“对不起，夫人，为您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元。”
“20美元！为什么？不是说好只要4美元。”
“是的，但是你的孩子大喊大叫，把另外四个病人吓跑了。”
Evolution
The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours. then he started again, and said he:"Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?"
"I'll venture an answer, " said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so long.".
教进化论的老师已经滔滔不绝地讲了快两个小时，他的7a686964616fe58685e5aeb9336话题又来了：“让我向进化论者提个问题——如果我们曾经像狒狒那样长着尾巴，那么现在尾巴到哪里去了？”
“我来试试看，”一位老太太说。
“该是我们在这里坐这么久把它们磨掉了吧。”
I'm Trying to Stop It
"Boy, why have you got cotton-wool in your ear? Is it infected?"
"No, sir, but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other , so I am trying to stop it."
“孩子，你为什么用棉花塞住耳朵？它感染了吗？”
“没有，老师。可是你昨天说你告诉我的知识都是一个耳朵里进，一个耳朵里出，所以我要把它堵在里面。”
Three Little Pigs 三只小猪
Storyteller: There are three little pigs living with 讲故事者：三只小猪和他们的妈妈
their mother. Ding-Ding and Dong- 住在一起。丁丁和东东
Dong are brother pigs. They are very 是猪哥哥，他们很懒，他
Lazy. They eat and sleep all day. 们整天吃了就睡。龙龙是
Long-Long is the youngest pig. She 最小的，她整天帮着妈妈
works all day. She helps her mother 做家务。
to do the housework.
Mother pig: You have grown up. You must make 猪妈妈：你们已经长大了，你们得
your own houses. 为自己盖间房。
Goodbye, little pigs. Build a house. 再见，孩子们。去盖间房。
Be careful of the wolf. 小心狼。
Pigs: Yes, Mum. Goodbye. 三只小猪：好的，妈妈。再见。
Wolf: I’m hungry. Look! Three little pigs 狼：我饿了。看，三只小猪可
for dinner. Mmm. 以做我的美餐。
Sister pig: What are you doing, brothers? 猪妹妹：哥哥，你们在干什么？
Ding-Ding: I’m building a house with leaves. 丁丁：我在用树叶盖房子。
Dong-Dong: I’m building a house with sticks. 东东：我在用树枝盖房子。
Sister pig: But leaves aren’t strong. 猪妹妹：可是树叶不牢固。树枝也不
And sticks aren’t strong. 牢固。
Brother pigs: Yes, we know. But it’s easy. 猪哥哥：我们知道。但它很容易。
What are you doing, sister? 你在干什么？
Sister pig: I’m building a house with bricks. 猪妹妹：我在用砖头盖房子。
Brother pigs: Bricks! That’s very difficult. 猪哥哥：用砖头盖，那太难了。
Sister pig: I know. But bricks are strong. 猪妹妹：我知道，可是砖头很坚固。
……
Brother pigs: Oh, we’re finished. Let’s have 猪哥哥：噢，我们盖好了。我们打
a nap. 个盹吧。
Sister pig: My house is finished. My house 猪妹妹：我的房子盖好了，我的房
is strong. 很坚固。
Wolf: Little pigs. Little pigs. Open your 狼： 小猪，小猪，快开门！
Doors!
Brother pigs: No. No. Go away. 猪哥哥：不开，不开。快走开。
Wolf: This is very easy. Sticks and leaves 狼：这太容易了。树枝和树叶
aren’t strong. 都不牢固。
Storyteller: The wolf blows the houses down. 讲故事者：狼吹倒了房屋。丁丁和东
Ding-Ding and Dong-Dong run 东跑到龙龙家。
to Long-Long’s house.
Brother pigs: Help! Help! 猪哥哥：救命! 救命!
Wolf: Stop, you two pigs. 狼： 站住，你这两只小猪。
Brother pigs: Open the door, sister. The wolf 猪哥哥：妹妹，快开门。狼来了，
is coming. Let me in. 让我们进去。
Long-Long: Come in, please. Don’t worry. 龙龙：快进来。别担心，我的
My house is strong. 房子很坚固。
Wolf: Where did they go? Oh they are 狼：他们跑哪儿了？噢，他们
Here. Little pigs. Little pigs. Open 在这儿。小猪，快把门打
the door! 开。
Three pigs: No. No. Go away. You bad wolf. 三只小猪：不开，不开。快走开。
你这只恶狼。
Wolf: I’ll blow it down. 狼：我要吹倒它。
Storyteller: The wolf blows and blows. He 讲故事者：狼吹呀吹，它不停地吹。
blows and blows. But the house 可是房子非常坚固。
is very strong.
Wolf: I’ll hit it. Oh. 狼：我要撞倒它。噢！
Long-Long: Let’s boil the water. 龙龙：我们把水烧开。
Brother pigs: OK. 猪哥哥：好的。
Wolf: Oh, oh! It’s hot. It’s hot. 狼：噢！噢！好烫，e799bee5baa6e59b9ee7ad94365好烫。
Three pigs: Hooray! The wolf is dead. The 三只小猪：好啊！狼死了，狼死了。
wolf is dead
Storyteller: Since then, Ding-Ding and Dong- 讲故事者：从那以后，丁丁、东东
Dong work hard with Long-Long. 和龙龙一起努力工作。
They work and play together. 他们一起工作，一起玩。