英语幽默小故事

Three Little Pigs 三只小猪
Storyteller: There are three little pigs living with 讲故事者：三只小猪和他们的妈妈
their mother. Ding-Ding and Dong- 住在一起。丁丁和东东
Dong are brother pigs. They are very 是猪哥哥，他们很懒，他
Lazy. They eat and sleep all day. 们整天吃了就睡。龙龙是
Long-Long is the youngest pig. She 最小的，她整天帮着妈妈
works all day. She helps her mother 做家务。
to do the housework.
Mother pig: You have grown up. You must make 猪妈妈：你们已经长大了，你们得
your own houses. 为自己盖间房。
Goodbye, little pigs. Build a house. 再见，孩子们。去盖间房。
Be careful of the wolf. 小心狼。
Pigs: Yes, Mum. Goodbye. 三只小猪：好的，妈妈。再见。
Wolf: I’e799bee5baa6e79fa5e98193e4b893e5b19e365m hungry. Look! Three little pigs 狼：我饿了。看，三只小猪可
for dinner. Mmm. 以做我的美餐。
Sister pig: What are you doing, brothers? 猪妹妹：哥哥，你们在干什么？
Ding-Ding: I’m building a house with leaves. 丁丁：我在用树叶盖房子。
Dong-Dong: I’m building a house with sticks. 东东：我在用树枝盖房子。
Sister pig: But leaves aren’t strong. 猪妹妹：可是树叶不牢固。树枝也不
And sticks aren’t strong. 牢固。
Brother pigs: Yes, we know. But it’s easy. 猪哥哥：我们知道。但它很容易。
What are you doing, sister? 你在干什么？
Sister pig: I’m building a house with bricks. 猪妹妹：我在用砖头盖房子。
Brother pigs: Bricks! That’s very difficult. 猪哥哥：用砖头盖，那太难了。
Sister pig: I know. But bricks are strong. 猪妹妹：我知道，可是砖头很坚固。
……
Brother pigs: Oh, we’re finished. Let’s have 猪哥哥：噢，我们盖好了。我们打
a nap. 个盹吧。
Sister pig: My house is finished. My house 猪妹妹：我的房子盖好了，我的房
is strong. 很坚固。
Wolf: Little pigs. Little pigs. Open your 狼： 小猪，小猪，快开门！
Doors!
Brother pigs: No. No. Go away. 猪哥哥：不开，不开。快走开。
Wolf: This is very easy. Sticks and leaves 狼：这太容易了。树枝和树叶
aren’t strong. 都不牢固。
Storyteller: The wolf blows the houses down. 讲故事者：狼吹倒了房屋。丁丁和东
Ding-Ding and Dong-Dong run 东跑到龙龙家。
to Long-Long’s house.
Brother pigs: Help! Help! 猪哥哥：救命! 救命!
Wolf: Stop, you two pigs. 狼： 站住，你这两只小猪。
Brother pigs: Open the door, sister. The wolf 猪哥哥：妹妹，快开门。狼来了，
is coming. Let me in. 让我们进去。
Long-Long: Come in, please. Don’t worry. 龙龙：快进来。别担心，我的
My house is strong. 房子很坚固。
Wolf: Where did they go? Oh they are 狼：他们跑哪儿了？噢，他们
Here. Little pigs. Little pigs. Open 在这儿。小猪，快把门打
the door! 开。
Three pigs: No. No. Go away. You bad wolf. 三只小猪：不开，不开。快走开。
你这只恶狼。
Wolf: I’ll blow it down. 狼：我要吹倒它。
Storyteller: The wolf blows and blows. He 讲故事者：狼吹呀吹，它不停地吹。
blows and blows. But the house 可是房子非常坚固。
is very strong.
Wolf: I’ll hit it. Oh. 狼：我要撞倒它。噢！
Long-Long: Let’s boil the water. 龙龙：我们把水烧开。
Brother pigs: OK. 猪哥哥：好的。
Wolf: Oh, oh! It’s hot. It’s hot. 狼：噢！噢！好烫，好烫。
Three pigs: Hooray! The wolf is dead. The 三只小猪：好啊！狼死了，狼死了。
wolf is dead
Storyteller: Since then, Ding-Ding and Dong- 讲故事者：从那以后，丁丁、东东
Dong work hard with Long-Long. 和龙龙一起努力工作。
They work and play together. 他们一起工作，一起玩。

1. Q: Why won’t the elephant use the computer?

为什么大象不玩电脑？

A: He’s afraid of the mouse!

他害怕老鼠！

鼠标和老鼠的英文皆为mouse。

mouse [maʊs] n. 鼠标；老鼠；胆小羞怯的人

2.A much worried patiant walked into the doctor's office and asked for help。

"Doctor, I don't know what to do. I accidentally drank a bottle of gasoline yesterday."

"Oh, don't worry! All you have to remember is not to smoke in the next few days." The doctor  said.

一位很焦急的病人走到医生办公室寻求帮助。

“医生，我不知道该怎么办。昨天我不小心喝下了一瓶汽油。”

“哦，不用担心。你一定要牢记未来几天不要吸烟就行了。”医生说。

3.A man was hit by a cab in the street. 

He was brought to the hospital. 

His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill."

"I am afraid that he is dead."said the doctor,

Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive." 

"Be quiet, "said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!"

一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院.

他的妻子站在他的床前对医生说:"我想他伤得很厉害."

医生说:"我怕他已经死了."

听到医生的话,这个男人转动着头说:"我没死,我还活着."

妻子说:"安静,医生比你懂得多."

4.A man goes to church and starts talking to God. 

He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" 

And God says: "A penny".

Then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" 

And God says: "a second", 

Then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?"

And God says "In a second".

一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.

他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"

上帝回答:"一便士."

男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"

上帝说:"一秒钟."

最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"

上帝回答:"过一秒钟."

5.Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny?

Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.

Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?

Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.

汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？

约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。

汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？

约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。

6.Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

他的耳朵在我衣兜里

伊凡鼻子流着血回到7a686964616fe78988e69d83361家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”

“一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。

“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。

“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”

He Won

Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.

他赢了
汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？
约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。
汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？
约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。

I Have His Ear in My Pocket

Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

他的耳朵在我衣兜里

伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”
“一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。
“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”

Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"

醉酒

一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”

Hospitality

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.

好客

由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。

英语小笑话
上个星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一个老美看到就笑我说, "Do you
know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著
性, 缩写正好是 Adidas) " 我正惊讶他怎么反应这么快, 联想力这么丰富时,旁边的
一个老美帮我解围, 他说, 有一个很著名的合唱团 Korn, 他们的招牌歌之一就是
A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,这个典故可是很多老美都耳熟e799bee5baa6e79fa5e98193e58685e5aeb9337
能详的喔! 下次就换你去取笑老美了.

A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"

一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"且话偻蚰昴?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."

1,Two birls

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

两只鸟

老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？

学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。

老师：请说说看。

学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。

2. The Fish Net

"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"

"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.

鱼网

"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？" 老师发问道。

"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。" 小女孩回答道。

3. The New Teacher

George comes from school on the first of September.

"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.

"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."

新老师

9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。

"乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？" 妈妈问。

"妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。"

4. A physics Examination

Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.

The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?

Nick\'s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.

一次物理考试

在一次物理考试时，当同学们都还在苦思冥想时，尼克很快就答好了第一个问题。

这个问题是：为什么在打雷时，我们总是先看到闪电后听到雷声？

尼克的回答是：因为眼睛在前，耳朵在后。

Jim’s History Examination
Uncle: How did Jim do in his history examination?
Mother: Oh, not at all well, but there, it wasn't his fault. They asked him
things that happened before the poor boy was born.

吉姆的历史考试

舅舅：吉姆这孩子历史考得怎么样？
母亲：唉，糟透了。可话又说回来，这也不能怪他。嗨，他们尽问一些这个
可怜的孩子出生前的事儿。

Magic change

神奇变化

Gaga is a little duck. He is small, dirty and ugly. His friends don’t like to play with him.

One day, Gaga walked behind his friends quietly(静悄悄地).But his friends did not want him. Gaga was very sad and ran to the river and cried loudly(大声地)。

Just then, a big beautiful bird heard(听见)him crying and flew down(飞下来，落下来). She said, “Please don’t cry. Tell me, what do you want? I can help you.”

Gaga told the truth(真相). The beautiful bird said, “OK, I can help you to become a good-looking duck.” Then she took out a blanket and put it on the duck’s body. She said something which the little duck didn’t understand. Then she took away the blanket. There stood (站立)a good-looking duck.

Gaga was very happy. He thanked the big bird and quickly went to play with his friends